Repost: My Back Story

*I took this post down but then I checked my email and saw I receive this comment so I am leaving it up.. 

 "I am left speechless by the words you have shared, but I knew this couldn't go unanswered as many blog entries do, all too often. What you wrote is too important for that. There are many who will benefit from knowing that you have been where the are or where they have been. They will benefit because they will find strength in the FACT that you made it, and that there is another side. Your Back Story is a call to the masses to break the cycles that destroy lives. People have a tendency to do what was done to them, for some it's all they know. No excuses, but real talk like this are where healing can begin and patterns can be changed. Thank you for sharing these words with us.I look at the labels you assigned to this article, and simply...I agree. ~ JNess *"

Mothers

Respect

My mother believes that she DESERVE respect because she is the mother.

Not because it is due but she is the mother.

The mother that is also my abuser, well former abuser now.

She won't even own up to her abuse,

The verbal and emotional abuse she submit her children

The name calling

The teasing

The vulgarities

Tonight she attacked my sister with her caustic poison

Why do you ask me because she attempted to reach for me but I am no longer sensitive to her devices?

Well, I thought I wasn't until, she attacked my cub

From day one I have taken the blows to protect my sister and brother from her harshness

When I left to escaped my dysfunctional household

They felt some of the heat but usually I still got the worst of the worst even in my absence of being there

Tonight pushed triggers in me to address this finally

She wanted a verbal exchange

I gave her one

I decided to allow her the space to get her thoughts about she DESERVE respect

She was the mother

The mother who allowed my stepfather to break down a door and beat me so bad that I need exams to

The mother who allowed 12 men floats in and out our home in 7 years, some addicts and dealers

The mother who allowed REFUSE takes ownership of her shit

This woman

My egg donor

Somehow in the mist of me explaining the pattern she set up for her and her children to not look at her as MOTHER

But an attacker

Decided to EXPLAIN to me how less of an adult I was for leaving her home at 18, while she was away on a trip

She picked through varies incident to poke notes or soft spots to see if I would react

The time, I decided to engage in an argument with her how LOUD and angry and the vulgarities that I spit on her name

I did not react

I acknowledged each incident and move on

Losing her nerve

My egg donor

My mother

My mom

My mama

CHOOSES to attempt even ATTACK my memories of the abuse

GASLIGHTING

THAT WAS IT FOR ME

I will NOT have anyone attempt to

Make me feel

Make me think

Make me believe

That what I experience is not true

*Chuckles, lightly

It is funny how in the Black/African American Community, verbally, emotional and physical abuse is taken lightly

In comedies, books, blogs and other forms of entertainment

Jokes about being little black motherfuckers, sissies, bitches, fill in your the hateful term that is look upon as endearment

This has been DISTRUBING my spirit

A conversation previous to this incident

I told my dear friend

I wasn't beautiful

I felt ugly and dirty

I felt fat and unwanted

I felt disgusting

Where does this stem from you ask?

I know many of you recently liked my Loving My Flaws series where I featured a tribute to my lips because a week or so ago, a child told me I was BEAUTIFUL to her.

This child doesn't even KNOW how much this impact me

She told me my lips are BEAUTIFUL

My face

My hair

My shape

was BEAUTIFUL to her

It caused me to look at my body in the mirror and reflect

to think what did I feel about MY body

Scrabbling back to my egg donor

She once told me that my PINK hue lips didn't match my face

that it looks like a pig's pussy

She told it was a funny joke

She thought it was okay to say

When I mentioned the things she said to me as a child

She continue to GASLIGHT me

Pfft

Tonight, I have tears in my eyes not for her

not even for the pain

not even for my cubs (siblings)

but because I RELEASE THEE

I release her

I release my need to fix her

I release my need to understand her

I release my thoughts that she would understand

Or that she would recognize that she is hurtful

that I love her even in spite ALL the pain I suffer from her

I release the need to show her I didn't ABANDON her like the MEN in her life did

I release being her SAVIOR

I walked away from my mother tonight and saying these words after she went to another rant and

disregard what I was pleading for her to see..

I am DONE

and

I wish you peace.

I release