Loving My Flaws Series

I began to share this series on Facebook. I am planning to make an art series..

I love looking out the corner of my eyes... but I am digging my smirk too.. :)

I am finding my lips to be very attractive these days..

I always admire others wide smile loosely because been teased by my family members for not having traditionally broad smile as my other members do... aka BIG MOUTH.. Wide and big.. beautiful to me.. 

and the color of my lips being pink and not a deeper hue.. I used to bite lips to darken them... didn't really work much though..

(I am wearing lipstick by the way in this photo, I just taken of myself) 

A member of my family.. excuse me, biological family questioned my paternity once or twice because I somehow didn't fit into what other members look like. 

Boy how those comments hurt me and I often hid my smile while talking around them.. ometimes, I do it subconsciously when I am laughing or embarrassed. I put my hands in my face to hide my expressions.. 

My mouth and lips aren't a bit tiny but different from my mother and my father's wide mouth. 

Now, I am learning to embrace each part of me... loving and seeing beauty in the "flaws" pointed out to me. 

This is Phase 1 of Loving My Flaws: My Lips

Same clothes, different image, different feature I am focusing on my nose..

I love my NOSE.. I remember making 3's sideways in my childhood drawing (as we all did to replica its image)

Felt a bit self-conscious about it size and REFUSE to pierce my nose because I thought it was too big..

Now, I love BIG perfect fitting nose.. It helps my glasses stay put, large and in charge


This is Phase 2 of Loving My Flaws: My Nose

 

So there she is my tummy..My problem area if you ask my doctor or some stylist. My tummy and I have been through some trials. 

I apologize for sticking my fingers in my mouth and making you ill in hopes that you may shirk. I have abused you with diet pills, Slim Fast, and other remedies. Even physical beaten you. You have been a troop. 

I am sorry for not loving.. But I embrace you now..
I embrace all you.. My dimples, the rolls, and now innie belly button.. Well I do miss my outie belly button though..


This is Phase 3 of Loving My Flaws: My Tummy, My Pouch, My Belly, A Rest Place for my siblings and small children who often call me soft and cuddly like a teddy bear.. *My little cousin did tell me that I was her teddy bear.. smiles..

Phase 4: The Brows.. 

I often refer to my brows as the Al B Sure. My brows tend to have a mind of their own at times very bushy.

I used to hate how THICCCKKKKK my brows are.. 

Now, I find them quite lovely.. They frame my eyes just right!

I like to mimic my mate's eye brow raise.. Not quite how he does it but close.

NAKED~ ~ I am loving my skin.. Phase 5

I was born with eczema. I have spend many summer days walking around like a greasy piece of chicken. I am happy to have much clearer skin these days compare to my childhood. Thanks to WATER and SHEA BUTTER and a balanced diet of more greens and fruits... Not those icky steroids creams that my Dad swears by or pills or even those plastic wrap treatments my Dad submitted me to.. 

Pondering if I want to share more skin with you all. 

I want to

I have some "flaws" that aren't P-13. 

but I think may continue with my illusions

Labels: Different

It's Final Weeks but I wanted to share my thoughts with YOU.

and facial expressions:

I can't take a listen to another show tune this year. 

I see you looking at me.. Let me study in peace!

There is Power in the Pen

Help me!?

and here's some of my thoughts.. Verbally :)

For some of you this will be the 1st time you hear my VOICE. I love putting people's voice and facial expression to text. I am a person who makes MANY faces while talking. It's funny and expressive but that is how I am. I am funny and expressive person. Sometimes, I feel as if my writer's voice doesn't match my personality. I am very bubbly and happy most days but there are other layers of me. I made this video yesterday while at Good Girls Go to Paris Crepes, here in Detroit. I was conversed with a lovely gentleman about everything from politics to my blog to his adventure with remodeling his new home to our childhoods and he left me feeling refreshed. The experience made me feel human and connected. Important as if I had something with substance to say and give to a conversation. Sometimes, my confidence isn't there. I am timid about conversing with new people in fear that can read my insecurities and "flaws". Sometimes, I feel a bit "damaged" or labeled with a tag that reads, "defective".

Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, Such silly girl I am.

But this gentleman, allowed this chatty girl an opportunities to converse and feel human,

not some spacey alien like creature that rambles,

not this aloof artist that drop just about everything while settling at our table which is often called "clumsy"

not this Queer Electric* person either**

but  a person whom he may find common interest with...
he listened intensely and responded. We had a enjoyable and memorable exchange on my end at least.
 I hope he becomes a friend and even not, he left me with an amazing experience:

 I am not that different from anyone else. 

 It was exciting to meet a new person and explore them a bit. It also was the pick up that I need for this week: conversing with someone outside of phone conversations and internet chats. Which I do love but sometimes, I need real time energy. My friend E also told me that my fuel is being around people, how vibrant and refreshed I become around people and their energy. I guess her theory was proven.

*Queer Electric is a term that my friend recent shared with me. I like it and align myself with it.

**I will explain what the mean in later posts, I have a final to complete at this time.

Repost: My Back Story

*I took this post down but then I checked my email and saw I receive this comment so I am leaving it up.. 

 "I am left speechless by the words you have shared, but I knew this couldn't go unanswered as many blog entries do, all too often. What you wrote is too important for that. There are many who will benefit from knowing that you have been where the are or where they have been. They will benefit because they will find strength in the FACT that you made it, and that there is another side. Your Back Story is a call to the masses to break the cycles that destroy lives. People have a tendency to do what was done to them, for some it's all they know. No excuses, but real talk like this are where healing can begin and patterns can be changed. Thank you for sharing these words with us.I look at the labels you assigned to this article, and simply...I agree. ~ JNess *"

Mothers

Respect

My mother believes that she DESERVE respect because she is the mother.

Not because it is due but she is the mother.

The mother that is also my abuser, well former abuser now.

She won't even own up to her abuse,

The verbal and emotional abuse she submit her children

The name calling

The teasing

The vulgarities

Tonight she attacked my sister with her caustic poison

Why do you ask me because she attempted to reach for me but I am no longer sensitive to her devices?

Well, I thought I wasn't until, she attacked my cub

From day one I have taken the blows to protect my sister and brother from her harshness

When I left to escaped my dysfunctional household

They felt some of the heat but usually I still got the worst of the worst even in my absence of being there

Tonight pushed triggers in me to address this finally

She wanted a verbal exchange

I gave her one

I decided to allow her the space to get her thoughts about she DESERVE respect

She was the mother

The mother who allowed my stepfather to break down a door and beat me so bad that I need exams to

The mother who allowed 12 men floats in and out our home in 7 years, some addicts and dealers

The mother who allowed REFUSE takes ownership of her shit

This woman

My egg donor

Somehow in the mist of me explaining the pattern she set up for her and her children to not look at her as MOTHER

But an attacker

Decided to EXPLAIN to me how less of an adult I was for leaving her home at 18, while she was away on a trip

She picked through varies incident to poke notes or soft spots to see if I would react

The time, I decided to engage in an argument with her how LOUD and angry and the vulgarities that I spit on her name

I did not react

I acknowledged each incident and move on

Losing her nerve

My egg donor

My mother

My mom

My mama

CHOOSES to attempt even ATTACK my memories of the abuse

GASLIGHTING

THAT WAS IT FOR ME

I will NOT have anyone attempt to

Make me feel

Make me think

Make me believe

That what I experience is not true

*Chuckles, lightly

It is funny how in the Black/African American Community, verbally, emotional and physical abuse is taken lightly

In comedies, books, blogs and other forms of entertainment

Jokes about being little black motherfuckers, sissies, bitches, fill in your the hateful term that is look upon as endearment

This has been DISTRUBING my spirit

A conversation previous to this incident

I told my dear friend

I wasn't beautiful

I felt ugly and dirty

I felt fat and unwanted

I felt disgusting

Where does this stem from you ask?

I know many of you recently liked my Loving My Flaws series where I featured a tribute to my lips because a week or so ago, a child told me I was BEAUTIFUL to her.

This child doesn't even KNOW how much this impact me

She told me my lips are BEAUTIFUL

My face

My hair

My shape

was BEAUTIFUL to her

It caused me to look at my body in the mirror and reflect

to think what did I feel about MY body

Scrabbling back to my egg donor

She once told me that my PINK hue lips didn't match my face

that it looks like a pig's pussy

She told it was a funny joke

She thought it was okay to say

When I mentioned the things she said to me as a child

She continue to GASLIGHT me

Pfft

Tonight, I have tears in my eyes not for her

not even for the pain

not even for my cubs (siblings)

but because I RELEASE THEE

I release her

I release my need to fix her

I release my need to understand her

I release my thoughts that she would understand

Or that she would recognize that she is hurtful

that I love her even in spite ALL the pain I suffer from her

I release the need to show her I didn't ABANDON her like the MEN in her life did

I release being her SAVIOR

I walked away from my mother tonight and saying these words after she went to another rant and

disregard what I was pleading for her to see..

I am DONE

and

I wish you peace.

I release

....Waves....

Hey there!

I know I have been missing in action and slowed down on posting entries. 

     I have been spending some time in deep thought about how to introduce new layers on myself to you all. 

So just be patient with me as I work out the kinks for new postings. 

I plan to share with you all very soon. 

Update: Friday will now be the day to look for new postings for me. 


Hugs, 
Caziah 

Gratitude

"Thankfulness is the beginning of gratitude. Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness. Thankfulness may consist merely of words. Gratitude is shown in acts."

Henri Frederic Amiel

Questions from Reader/Followers/Facebook Friends

Over the past few days, I have request that YOU, 
 ask me any questions or something interesting that you would like to know about me. 
 Here's a quick list of what I have so far!

How were you introduce to painting and creating art?


Who do you admire and inspires you in your life?


Tell us about the significant event in your life led you to become who you are today?




 If you had give up your hands or your feet, which would you choose?  *Uh I do not know how to answer this one but okay! 

What do you want to be remember for?

What is your favorite dish to prepare? 


How long have you been growing your hair in it's natural state? 


Will you host blog giveaways and offer your artwork as prizes? 


What is your favorite color? 


What is your Zodiac sign? 

Personal Writing ~ Part ll

Secrets hidden under funny bones that do not reveal my depth

Sometimes they play peek -a -boo with my friends and lovers

I try to keep packed up and stored away

Maybe perhaps I will reveal them on a rainy day

For a while, I present this facade of goofiness, playfulness

Leaving others to miss my bliss

My intellect

My story that could possible heal someone

Save someone

Build in the community

Attribute to someone's growth

Inspire them

I have robbed them of the bliss

Broken the connection

Sitting like spy watching and observing

Carefullly choosing my wording

Avoiding certain verbiage

When I have something to say

The secret pushes on my funny bones causing them to crack.. and makes me cry

She wants this shift

Where laughter is a temporary relief that leaves my cheeks dry, 

Tears brings cleanse

She wants healing

The time has come to give up on this act

She is attacking the roleplay 

She wants HEALING

Yet it's painful

Growth stretching and bounding me 

Separating and dissecting

Performing surgery on my soul

Opening wounds that were once unspoken

Tracing scars with her full pureness 

Removing the voices of judgment

Embarrassment

Comparisons 

 Replacing it with enlightenment

Snap

Snap

Snap 

Breaking free of this false authority 

This isn't act of desperation

This isn't a reflection of confusion 

This isn't her cry for help 

She is just ready to control this vehicle 

She wants to create progression

A Trip Down Memory Lane

I originally posted this list in January of 2010, 
refer to this links:
 http://conversingcaziah.blogspot.com/2010/01/fun-fund-your-lifestyle.html

and

 revise it in September of 2010, 

http://conversingcaziah.blogspot.com/2010/09/goal-revised-for-atlanta_17.html

 I thought it would be nice to see what I accomplished as of date!

Check out what I have done for the year 2011 thus far!!

·         pursue my goal of my DREAM career..  starting a youth staffing firm and becoming a socialite :)

·         enrolled in school again at Geogria Gwinnett College 

·         living in Atlanta  or maybe the suburbs of Atlanta because of traffic 

·         start a saving account towards trips to Europe and birthday trip

·         start rainy day saving account 

·         attend 3 concerts in the city of Atlanta
( * I attend more than 3 but in Detroit.. Chrisette Michelle is top on the list! )

·         visit the CNN for a tour 

·         Atlanta Aquarium

·         Coke Cola Factory

·         Attend a service at International House of Prayer 

·         Atlantic Station 

·         Buy some items for Ikea for new place

·         Visit Cincinnati and Detroit to see family and friends 

·         Road trip to Savannah, Georgia

·         Maintain a workout  schedule  and look for a workout buddy 

·         Begin to start painting art and taking some course to enhance skills 

·         Visit friends and family on the West Coast

·         Attend a few entrepreneur events

·         Start to seriously think about investing funds into a nest 

·         Find a Trader Joe’s

·         Obtain my passport

·         travel to Toronto, Canada to see my family member and visiting BC, Canada 

·         building and expanding my wardrobe, portfolio and scrapbook again

·         buying a some tech items: digital camera, stereo and a new laptop

·         focus on growth

·         refine what is my healthy health journey: natural hair, nails, and balance diet 

·         to grow spiritual whole and FREELY 

·          BLOG MORE OFTEN 

Did you accomplish any new GOALS in your life? 

I am happy that I reached a lot of my goals this year.

 I haven't reflected on this list since September 2010! 

WOW!